To Compromise or Not Compromise That is the Question

question-mark-gif.gifNever change yourself to fit someone else’s needs, because guess what–their needs will change.

I made that statement to someone last week and it stuck with me all weekend. I’m single and meeting new people and wonder if I’m too outspoken, but then I thought about it. If a man can’t deal with a strong willed woman, then he shouldn’t waste my time nor his.

I asked myself the question–How many times have you compromised in a past relationship? The truth. More than I care to put out into cyberspace. But I refuse to compromise again. I had a nice talk with one of my exes recently and they were shocked at some of the things I told them. Mainly because I held back some things when we were together because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. In the end, me holding back was one of the causes that led to the demise of our relationship. It got to a point where I didn’t care to be in his presence but I wasn’t communicating a lot of issues I was having with him.

Going forward, I promised myself that I will express myself more and be me and whoever can’t deal with it, can keep on keeping on.

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12 comments on “To Compromise or Not Compromise That is the Question

  1. Actually, I don’t think it’s relationship healthy to say NO compromises-the old it’s my way or the highway. Maybe it’s best to decide to have a list of certain things you feel is nonnegotiable-not just a cross the board thing? There’s have to be room for both parties to grow and learn from each other. Anyway-I’m single too-and I much prefer it that way.

  2. Rawdawgbuffalo & Adrianne…when I say compromise, I’m not talking about compromising on whether or not to watch a certain movie or whether or not we’ll stay in verses going out; when I say compromise, I’m talking about compromising the core of who you are. There are times when folks change who they are to “fit” the person they are with and that’s where there should be no compromise.

    This example is minor, but I’ll say it. If you’re an avid reader and the person you’re dating hates to read and encourages you not to read only because they don’t read and you give up the love for reading just to please that person–that’s a no-no. The person you’re with should be able to respect the fact that you’re a reader; whether they agree with it or not.

    I still feel that you shouldn’t conform to be a certain way just to be with someone. Be yourself. If the person can’t deal with the “real” you; then there within itself is a problem.

  3. I agree, with Shelia, when you’re young, sometimes you don’t know you’re ‘compromising’ the core of who you are or conforming to someone else. You think you’re becoming compatible to the other persons needs as if it’s a good thing but if it’s not you or something you really enjoy in the end it will overtake your authenticity. Then you’re bitter or resentful for doing something you didn’t want to do especially if that person leaves or keeps pushing you in a position (knowingly or not) to compromise. #1– if someone says or does something you’re not comfortable with or can handle, communicate with them how you feel about it. Do it in a positive / constructive way but be straightfoward so there is no room for misunderstanding. Compromise comes in where they may say, ‘Gee I didn’t know that bothered you, that’s something I can do a little less of or won’t do anymore around you.” OR… they may say, “Gee I’m sorry that bothers you but that’s a part of me that I just don’t want to change’. Either you can deal with that or if it’s a ‘deal breaker’ you may want to reevaluate the pros and cons of staying involved with that person.

    Simple things like dinner & movies, okay, how about tonight we watch what you want but tommorrow it’s my turn etc. But the core of who you are, know what you stand for, what your beliefs & principles are, know what’s a deal breaker for you and stand up for that. Either person can work with you on it or not. WHEW! LOL

  4. Oh when I say ‘a person can either work with you on it or not’ I mean, they can either accept the outcome of the communication and your authentic habits or they can decide to move on. But when you bring 2 people from different upbringings, backgrounds, educational levels, financial classes and cultural differences together whether same race, religion, age group or not, you’re going to get differences, compromise on some minor things will have to be done in order to bring 2 people under 1 love, but not the core of who you are.

  5. I do not believe in compromising my core beliefs. However, I do believe in compromising in a relationship. There is a difference.

    If I give up what makes me an individual then what could I possibly offer to another?

  6. I totally agree with the heart of the subject. Compromising binds you to the weakness of the person you are in relations with. If their weakness can’t or won’t compliment your strength, then the both of you become equally weak when you yield to their control. At that point, you begin to neglect (and be unable to find) who you are and what your purpose is in life.

    There is nothing wrong with compromising as long as ALL are benefiting in a wholesome manner. But, when compromising is advantegeous to only one of the all., I encourage you to stand your ground with strength and wisdom and do not move!

    Sheila, don’t ever wonder again IF you are TOO outspoken. I am reminded that a wise man is not always talking. However, when he does speak, he is outspoken and he speaks with a wealth of wisdom in view words.

    Shalom,

  7. Compromising core values is a serious “don’t”. I believe said Shakespeare said “To thine own self be true” … or someone.

    Fact is, besides being overall bad, maintaining the front can just be tiring and work intensive. Better to be and let be (I’m filled with cliche’s … lol).

  8. I’m the same way…I used to hold back, but not anymore…I say EXACTLY what is on my mind now and if they don’t like it then they souldn’t be w/ me. I feel like I’ve waited this long for Mr. Right, why compromise.

  9. Some compromise is needed if a successful relationship is the goal. I do not believe that one’s personality should have to change dramatically in order to suit someone else; you should just be with someone that is compatible.

    But compromise is very important and it works both ways. IF the two people are willing to compromise with the goal to make one another happy, then you are looking at two people that will most likely have a very happy and fulfilling relationship.

    MARCUS LANGFORD

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