Have you ever set down and wrote out a list of the qualities you’re looking for in a man? You know the list that is your ideal Mr. Right. Have you ever met a man that’s come close to the things you have on your list? If so, are you with the guy now or did you find out that the guy isn’t really the guy you wanted even though he fit the criteria you’ve been searching for.
I know exactly what I want, but unfortunately I haven’t met “him” yet 🙂
One of my male friends insists that we women say we want a good man with x,y,z qualities, but when we get him we find something else wrong…I told him he’s got it all twisted. So the question I ask is do you think we really know what we want or we, as women, never satisified?
Oh No Shelia Didn't! 
Funny Shelia because I talk about this in my book The Plural Thing, some of us do know, but a lot of us don’t know what we really want. We want one thing on Monday and by Friday we change our mind and want something else. I think the more in touch with ourselves we get the more we will be able to stand firm in what we want.
I think a lot of time we say we want what we are supposed to want, then when we get it we wonder if it was what we really wanted. I have that conversation often with my Sistahs….I have also discovered that people are unwilling to voice what they really want for fear it’s too much.
angelia
I made a list of the 21 things my man had to have when I was in graduate school (I think it was 21. It was a while ago and I don’t have the lsit any more.) Anyway, the last thing on the list was he must love me, really love my stinky drawers love me and then everything else on the list can be worked on and negotiated. Because, as wrote out my list of must have a BA but graduate degree is preferred, must have a job, must have blah blah blah, I realized that if he had all those things and didn’t really love me and my often difficult self then it wasn’t gonna work anyway. The list did help me realize what I really needed in a relationship though… 😉
Gwyneth
“I think the more in touch with ourselves we get the more we will be able to stand firm in what we want.”
Princess Dominique, I agree. Five years ago, it was wishy-washy, but now I can stand firm now and say exactly what I want and mean it.
Angelia, you’re so right. Once a person gets out of the notion of trying to please others, they can find happiness. What’s right for one person, may not be right for you and vice versa.
Gwyneth, exactly. What good is all of those things if you don’t have love. Relationships are hard enough and remove love, almost impossible.
Ah Shelia, I suspect that if you meet someone and it really clicks and he doesn’t have one or more of your criteria, you won’t refuse to go out with him but will see how it goes. Because you usually can tell fairly early on if it will work or not.
Bettye, it does seem like the older I get, the quicker I’m able to see things for what they truly are.
Honestly, most (if not every) girl I talk about this with “knows” what they want, but none really KNOW what they want. Usually a quick look at the track record shows they never date what they “want”.
I’m quick to admit I don’t know what I want. About 3 times this week I swore I wanted a girlfiend, and twice I just needed a faithful jumpoff.
I even did the list awhile ago. It was an elaborate point system, but even that fell apart after enough time.
Single Black Male you touched on something…usually in that case, the person “just” settles…but we have to get out of that mindset…you don’t have to just settle. Thanks for being so candid.
Interesting conversation. Had I made a list, particulary back when I met my husband, he would have owned very few of the qualities on that list. My belief is–while we often times think we know what we want, sometimes we don’t know what we need until we get it (smile). Of course, that was just my experience, mind you. Though, I’m not so sure there are any set rules.
I have made lists over the years only to modify them. I have also dealt with men who didn’t have the qualities I valued. I settled for less wondering if I was asking for too much.
Your state of mind at the time of list-making makes a HUGE difference and I know that some stuff was unreasonable. I also know that the 80/20 does exist and that no one is perfect.
I agree with Dom, we are sometimes scared to dream and believe those dreams will come true, hence we allow ourselves to attach to people we should not.