Things that Hallmark Cards Don’t Say

(My friend Kem is always sending me some good things…here’s one that I want to share and I hope you have a sense of humor.)

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire…

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

“What the hell was I thinking?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love

After having met you ..

I’ve changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go…

Would y ou like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia…sorry folks…it’s just a joke)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,

you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let’s say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m so miserable without you

it’s almost like you’re here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday

So we’re having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter’s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it’s really good pay

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2 comments on “Things that Hallmark Cards Don’t Say

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